The Entrance of Jashin, aka Mr Black
by Scholar of Time
Summary: Hidan's come up with a new Jutsu, and far away in another dimension, a certain anthropomorphic personification is going to be disturbed from his much-deserved rest. Rated M for Hidan's language, noslash, w/thanks to calysto-antonsen.
1. Chapter 1: Enter the Bullshit

First off, I filched this idea from calysto-antonsen who came up with the amazing summoning and beginning of this story (which I sort of played around with). It stuck in my head so much, I sent an email to he/she/it (I never got a reply, so silence is consent?) Anywho, I really needed to put some sort of reaction to that ending - even though it was perfect as it was, it did leave me wanting more! Secondly, JKR owns the original HP, Rorschach's Blot came up with Mr. Black, and I...didn't really do much, but come up with a bit more dialogue - which I might continue later on.

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><p>Within a deep cavern, hidden in the wilds of the Elemental Countries, are the Akatsuki; mercenaries ostensibly led by the kage of Ame. Known as "God" to his subordinates, Pein – otherwise known as the former student of Jiraiya, Nagato – and his 'angel' Konan are some of the founding members of the mercenary group. Unusually on this particular day, it was not Pein who was being ministered to – but the patron deity of Akatsuki's own Hidan, the dark Jashin.<p>

"Oh, the splendid agony! It's for you, my master!", Hidan exulted as he drove his scythe through the fleshy part of his thigh. All around him was an intricate set of designs, a combination of fuuinjutsu and magical divinatory markings. His normal robe had been set aside for that of an acolyte, pure white for a special sacrificial offering.

"Not only are you too young to have any brains, you're too stupid to stop stabbing yourself for no good reason," griped Kakuzu. As Hidan's partner in the bizarre 'buddy-system' of the mercenary group, one might expect that Kakuzu's statement was sarcastic – in no way is that true. Kakuzu's semi-cannibalistic tendencies, using the organs of other shinobi to keep himself alive, had over the course of time eliminated much of the concept of sarcasm from his everyday thought processes. He could, if necessary, throw out the occasional one-line remark, but in the end he was too old to do anything but say exactly what he meant; his meaning often derogatory.

"OOOOOOHH! Tobi is confused! Tobi thinks he should be happy that Hidan-sempai is happy, but Hidan-sempai is hurt, so Tobi should be sad!"

"If 'Tobi' doesn't shut up, 'Tobi' is going to end up as a new work of art, un!"

"Deidara," Pein intoned, "Leave Tobi alone and focus on this new ritual of Hidan's that should increase our ability to bring peace to the world."

As the Akatsuki members watched Hidan's ritual take place, most of them were of the opinion that their time would be better spent drinking, sleeping, or collecting bounties respectively. They had been invited to watch Hidan's new Dark God Summoning Technique, which he had apparently come up with after hearing about the ability of the Sharingan to summon 'gods' forth – in no way was Hidan going to allow himself to be outdone in a show of religious ability. That the 'gods' of the Sharingan were nothing more than chakra constructs meant nothing to Hidan; only summoning Jashin to purify the unbelievers through blood would give him satisfaction.

Hidan began chanting under his breath while running through the entirety of the twelve basic handseals in various patterns. His swaying back and forth reached fever-pitch as he began his ritualistic summoning jutsu.

"Dark God,

Destroyer of All Things

He who makes gods and demons alike despair!"

Drumming began to fill the air, which was quickly halted by Hidan's glare at Tobi, who began whistling while holding a toy drum innocently behind his back.

"Through the draw of innocent blood" – and here Kakuzu mentally remarked, 'Innocent blood - and I do things for free…' – " I summon you to coughmutter and wreak havoc in the world's fate!"

Of all the members of the Akatsuki, Tobi was the only one who was more than slightly worried about what that mumbled phrase might have been. As the power behind the scenes, he had done more research on each member than they were able to do themselves – and anything that could cause Hidan to mumble would probably not be a welcome addition to his Moon's Eye plan for world domination.

Hidan was supremely unconcerned at this point, having lost enough blood to make even the immortal killer woozy beyond belief. With a final scream, he cried:

"DARK GOD SUMMONING NO JUTSU!"

As a dark mist surrounded the center of the ceremonial designs, a figure began to appear in the midst of the haze – a dark figure in black clothing.

"Fuck me! IT WORKED! HAHAHAHA! You fuckers were probably betting it wouldn't work, but it did, you fucking goat-humpers! Jashin's going to – oh, shit!"

Hidan's celebratory rant was quickly halted as he realized that his own personal god was standing right in front of him. Kneeling as if his life depended on it, he offered his blood-soaked scythe in supplication, saying:

"Oh, Jashin-sama! Receive my blood sacrifice as token of my fealty to you."

Hidan's colleagues, impressed as they were with Hidan's unexpected ability not to screw up something like this, were fairly focused on what the next few seconds of conversation would bring – Pein in particular, as he was secretly wondering what a 'real god' would think of his plan.

The so-called god in question was in fact far more concerned with his current location and how he got there. Several seconds ago, he had been meditating in a small office on Black Island, comfortably away from a certain group of vela that were infatuated with him. Suddenly, a pull similar to but far stronger than that he had experienced the last time he was summoned in Africa had begun. Slowly turning his head to observe the various people in front and to the side of him, his eyes stuck on the huge statue in the middle of the 'cave-esque room/thing', as he had mentally dubbed it. Glancing down at the supplicant weirdo to his left side, he began tallying up what he had observed.

'Okay, Harry – pull it together…sure you haven't had any sleep since those veela began their new Monopoly tournament last Tuesday, but you can figure out what's going on here. Fact #1 – weirdo in white robe with a …three-headed scythe….okay. Second, bunch of other weirdos in black robes with red clouds on them. Third, he just called me Jashin-sama. What does this sound like…?"

As Harry – or as he had come to be known throughout the multiverse, Mr. Black – gazed confusedly at his surroundings, the Akatsuki members began to increasingly feel that they were being judged and weighed by a primordial force of the Universe. Hidan just felt like his birthday had come early and there were extra sinners to gut especially for him! In reality, Harry had simply put on what he liked to call 'Dimensional Response Face #1 – Look like you know more that you actually do', which wasn't that hard at the moment. It occurred to him, as he gazed at the various missing-nin….and there it was! Missing-nin, Akatsuki, red cloud-covered cloaks – he was in another Naruto universe!

'Oh, screw it…', thought Harry, 'Just when I thought I had a little time not to get in trouble, I get summoned to nutso-central by McLooneypants here. Bugger! I am willing to bet, even though I have NO evidence to suggest it….this has to do with the bloody shopkeepers!'

Outwardly, Harry merely said, "Ugh….You're Hidan…..aren't you…."

Hidan looked like someone had smacked him in the face with a sushi-grade tunafish, and the shocked atmosphere was only broken by the most unexpected commentary anyone there could think of.

"Hn. I thought you'd be taller."

"..."

"Kami knows my name…and WHAT THE FUCK, DO YOU MEAN TALLER, ASSHOLE! JASHIN-SAMA has graciously decided to suffer your prescence, you GOATFUCKING DIPSHIT and you say he's not TALL ENOUGH?" Hidan screamed at Itachi. Itachi's initial response was a mild shrug which, given his usual mannequin-like nature, spoke of his extreme discomfiture with Hidan's insults.

"He's short. Susanoo is taller than that." Having established the superiority of his technique, Itachi's Sharingan eyes focused entirely on this new 'god' of Hidan's. The chakra coming off of it was almost non-existent, but his other senses still screamed of the danger surrounding him – that the Sharingan couldn't detect anything made him…unsettled.

"Susanoo is a fucking nobody compared to my Jashin-sama! I…oh, shit", said Hidan as he realized he had started arguing with his mortal colleague without paying attention to his primary religious devotion – who was, as previously mentioned, right in front of him. Hidan proceeded to place his entire body on the floor face down, and begin muttering utterances of what seemed to be prayers for forgiveness. The rest of Akatsuki, not being of any sort of religious bent (except maybe Tobi, who worshipped himself), just tensely waited for the shit to hit the fan, as it so often did with Hidan's attempts to outdo his fellow Akatsuki members.

Meanwhile, Harry was furiously trying to recall every conversation he'd had with Henchgirl and the Naruto who'd summoned him from the other universe in an attempt to cobble together a plan of action.'How the heck do I deal with a religious nut, who's love for killing is practically up there with Hitler?...oh…oh, that's just too good…'. As Harry conceived his plan (which was more 'winging it' than plan) to deal with Hidan and the rest of Akatsuki, his shoulders began to shake uncontrollably with silent laughter.

'Oh, shit…' was essentially the thought on the Akatsuki members' minds when they suddenly saw the dark god summoned by Hidan of all people start to shake with what they thought was rage. All of them backed away, with Sasori preparing his puppet army and Kakuzu's desire to kill his partner rapidly increasing with each movement of his retreating feet.

"Hidan! …YOU'RE HIDAN!" yelled Harry, in what he considered his best 'evil' voice (not Moldieshort's, of course as his voice was closer to a sibilant hiss than a frightening bellow), while drawing his scythe. Harry then began to whisper in a soft-yet-entirely-threatening voice, "…do you know how much paperwork I've had to do thanks to you…?"

Hidan's eyes, still firmly affixed to the ground, were bulging out of their sockets at this point – not only was his god seemingly unhappy about being summoned, he'd apparently pissed him off prior to this event! 'What the fuck did I do?' he mentally screamed.

Harry gave him no time to answer, however, as he began a rant which was internally making him bust his guts in laughter, "You're supposed to be my disciple, Hidan! You should know that I disapprove of the spilling of innocent blood – that's why I come when it is spilled! All those people you killed, I was the one who had to deal with taking care of them on the other side – the paperwork, the ferrying, not to mention the endless complaining of the other astral beings about what a crappy job my disciple was doing on Earth! They've been insufferable for decades! Let's not even get into what you did to those nuns, I'm really pissed off about that….".

Having absolutely no idea what the hell he was talking about, but still throwing out as much bullshit as he could while he planned his escape, Harry continued, "Why do you think I made you immortal? To go around slaughtering the weak and helpless? I'm Death, you idiot! I have to DEAL with all those people once you've knocked them off. Bloody Hell, do you know what sort of tongue-lashing I got for all those priests you killed? Seriously, stop doing crap like that, or I'm going to come down on you like a sack of demonic hammers with rabies and some sort of super-AIDS!".

"AND YOU! Nagato-chan, you've really disappointed all those frog-prophet people by embracing war and death instead of peace. Konan-chan, what the hell were you thinking letting him do this sort of thing? You're the sensible one, you're supposed to stop him when he does things like this. Let's not even get into you, Madara – the Moon? Seriously? Have you considered taking anti-psychotics, because you need them – the Jubi is too much for you to control, and your chakra coils (no matter how much the Eternal Mangekyo Sharingan helps you) won't withstand that sort of pressure. All you'll end up doing is destroying the world."

At this point, Harry was beginning to sweat buckshot…he'd heard from Naruto that these were some top-level fighters, and even though he'd beaten gods and the like before, he wasn't sure if their techniques wouldn't overwhelm him when combined. Unbeknownst to him, however, Madara had been attempting to 'Yomi' him to death ever since he mentioned the Moon – with absolutely no results, which quite literally freaked the hell out of him. At that point, his unstable psyche effectively said, 'To hell with this!', and proceeded to run to the back of his brain and leave Tobi to deal with the outcome. Hidan, likewise, was practically frothing at the mouth (and not in a 'good' way for him) – his god had just said all his practices were wrong, and that he'd done a terrible job! Harry didn't know it, but Hidan had just finished slaughtering a pack of nuns for the Akatsuki before he began the ritual. With the threat of eternal punishment looming, Hidan did the most appropriate thing he could think off…he fainted dead away. Nagato, known to his now-rather-confused minons as Pein, was having a crisis of conscience as he wondered how his master Jiraiya's summoning toads had managed to converse with the gods and why Jiraiya had never told him of his apparent destiny, with Konan looking on and blaming herself entirely for the situation. The remaining members of the Akatsuki, who hadn't yet had their figurative butts chewed by the dark god, were considering either attacking the creature or alternatively leaving to start a monastery. Hoshigaki Kisame was especially confused, seeing as his 'Mizukage'/Sharingan-wielding true leader hadn't informed him of the true details of his plan as yet; not that it really mattered to him, as he considered his loyalty to be sealed despite any questionable sanity traits that his leader might have…especially given that his leader was currently drooling so much that it was coming out from underneath his mask and pooling on the ground.

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><p>Yes, I haven't finished WWBS yet or updated it - but this wouldn't leave me alone! I had part of it on my 'puter, and thought I might as well exorcise it. This one, I don't plan on making a priority - but hopefully, c-a will either like it and continue hisher/its far better story, or will be pissed off enough to continue his/her/its far better story after making me take this one down. Ja abayo!


	2. Chapter 2: Communism among MissingNin

Yes, I know - I'm updating the same day as I posted the original. Well, I figured you guys liked it so much, I might as well; plus, I update rather haphazardly, and this may have to do for the now. Anyway, take it away, Kakuzu...

Kakuzu walks in from off-stage carrying a latte, makes handseals while deftly showing off the latte brand logo: DISCLAIMER NO JUTSU!

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

[[[[[[[[ Mr. Black, idea from Rorschach's Blot ]]]]]]]]]]]

[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ Harry Potter, JKR's! ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

[[[[[[[[[[[ Naruto, from Kishimoto-sama! ]]]]]]]]]]]]]

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

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><p>As Harry stretched his mind to its limits trying to recall other things he could 'rage about' to the members of Akatsuki in order to throw them off the fact that he wasn't really what they thought he was, he remained completely oblivious to the fact that even those he hadn't yet interacted with were almost entirely sure of his position as Jashin. After all, the secrets of some of the most powerful shinobi ever to live (at least in their minds) were being spread around like butter on toast, or rather syrup on dango. Most assuredly, the effect of all these revelations was most powerful on one missing-nin in particular – Kakuzu.<p>

'_HELL_!', thought the eldritch chakra-abomination, '_not only did Hidan succeed in his jutsu, which means he won't shut up about it for the next decade even if I shove his scythe down his severed neckhole….the actual plan of our organization isn't to ransom/control the world with the Biju – it's some sort of plot to help a Konoha-nin rule the world! Which doesn't really matter to me in the least, except….I'M NOT GETTING PAID!_' At this thought, Kakuzu gave his best effort to fry the still-insensate Tobi with a well-placed Katon jutsu.

Jumping from the palm of the Gedo Mazo sculpture where he had been sitting, Kakuzu gave out an hearty cry of, "Fuck you anti-capitalist bastard! Katon: ZUKKOKU! FUUTON: ATSUGAI!" as he made the handseals necessary to give form to a giant firestorm…in what was essentially an enclosed space. The untargeted members of Akatsuki, minus the Pein bodies and Konan, had already started fleeing as soon as they had realized the connection that Kakuzu had made between their endeavor and a lack of monetary gain. Tobi, oblivious to everything even as the more Madara parts of his fractured mind furiously attempted to scream from his brain's deepest recesses to '_GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, STUPID'_, was unaffected by the initial fire/wind combination attack due to his body's natural reaction to 'phase out' in response to danger.

However, what Kakuzu had failed to comprehend during his attack was that a firestorm in an enclosed space can also be conceived of as…an extremely large explosion. The cave's structure momentarily imploded as if the Jubi itself had decided to lay excrement on it the size of Australia, and then violently exploded with all the fury of the Godaime Hokage Tsunade's drunken rage after being groped on both breasts by Jiraiya. The Akatsuki members who had fled were left to dodge pieces of cave the size of horsecarts flying at the speed of sound as they ran for their lives. Harry, who only knew that something was about to occur, had merely poured power into his scythe and cast a protective shield around his person (which, unfortunately or fortunately, protected the unconscious Hidan). At the same time, the energy-draining effect of the scythe had caused the complete disruption of the Pein bodies – reducing them to corpses, easily consumed by the horrific flames. Konan, just as the flames flickered across her features, was grabbed from beneath the ground by the black/white Zetsu who had made his escape far more easily than his comrades.

The perception of this event in Harry's mind consisted of, '….that was an entirely successful escape, and bears no need to be repeated to Henchgirl and/or the rest of my extended family.' While Harry plied his oars on the waters of the Nile, Kakuzu – survivor that he was – had been found and was being berated by the Akatsuki.

"That was BRILLIANT, UN! I never knew you were such an artistic soul – I've got to try to put my spin on that exquisite performance of pure ART!"….Perhaps berated is too strong a word…Kakuzu received mixed reviews of what Deidara would consider the best art showing he'd ever been to, even given the impromptu nature of the performance. Uchiha Itachi, in what his Akatsuki colleagues would call both a sign of the apocalypse and the only known sign of a sense of humor given by one whom Hoshigame Kisame refered to behind his back as the 'corpse-nin', merely stated,

"Derivative…"

After recovering from the shock (as to whether that was the shock of the explosion or the attempt at humor, we can only surmise that the humor was the more unexpected affliction), Sasori began to question Kakuzu on the motivations behind his 'artwork'.

"You…cost me my puppets…..it took me years to garner them all; I'm actually feeling something for the first time since I made my parents into puppets…..**ANGER**!", spoke Sasori, as he concluded his speech with an attempt to rip Kakuzu apart with his bare…stinger, only being held back by Kisame and Itachi.

"Where the hell's that wannabe Tobi, un? Uh…well, I guess not so wannabe if he was the 'hidden' leader..but what in the name of impermanent art is wrong with him that he acts like that and comes up with such a….un?" Deidara paused at this moment, not due to his own revelations, but rather those of his counterparts who were currently staring at him as if he were the reincarnation of Buddha who'd just said it was completely alright to kill if you got some form of token from a local temple. All of them at that moment realized two things, the first and least important in their minds at the time, was that 'Jashin' was still around and seemed to have manipulated the situation so precisely that Gedo Mazo had been destroyed and their compound lost without him raising a finger. What was far more important at the time, was that they had all been essentially following the plan of someone who either was a complete and total moron for whom a new category of idiocy would have to be created, or that he was completely insane (and not in the friendly missing-nin playing, 'Who's got your eye, I've got your eye' game with infants way either).

"Everyone who wants to keep working for someone who's not even paying us, so that he gain gain supreme power and still not pay us, raise your hand," spoke the still-seething Kakuzu. As he did so, not a single hand raised up into the air – prompting Uchiha Itachi to question his partner Kisame in the loquacious and verbage-packed style of the Uchiha Clan.

"Hn?"

Kisame could only shake his head and say, "I…followed him out of a desire for loyalty, and for power…this plan would betray both – I'm not getting stuck in a Mangekyo illusion for the rest of my life. I had enough of that when I tried to steal your Pocky in Wave." Itachi nodded his head solemnly, completely in agreement that only the foolish who lack hatred attempted to steal his Kami-given Pocky.

"…" The Akatsuki members, bereft of direction, were about to leave each other's company forever.

"And just where do you think you are going, pray tell?", spoke their now-primary concern, the apparently supremely tricky and powerful Jashin-sama. Needless to say, not a one of them was moving now.

Likewise, Harry was figuratively beating his head against the walls of his skull, '_I hate my 'saving-people-thing'! I hate people who interrupt my na…meditation! I HATE SHOPKEEPERS! (just on general principle)_'. Harry knew from his time with the other universe's Naruto that these missing-nin couldn't be left to their own devices; also, he didn't know for sure if they were as bad as the missing-nin in his Naruto's world ('though if they are, he thought, 'I'm sure I can put their minds in the appropriate frame for fighting'). The appropriate frame he of course considered to be 'splattered against the wall'. Now, he just had to maintain the fiction of being Jashin, and then kill/release these idiots.

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><p>Disclaimer no Jutsu? Good, bad, meh? - anyhoo, hope this keeps you satisfied for a while...and the monstrous bunnies of Caerbannog away! Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha!<p> 


	3. Chapter 3: Consequences

Yes, I know - I just uploaded this fic, and then updated it; when the muse comes, you don't argue! Plus, if I get this out now, I may choose to do more later since I'm leaving it at an appropriate segue to a full story. Also, THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS - I had some really good ideas that came off of that sort of riffing. DISCLAIMER NO JUTSU!

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(( ( _)( ) _) ( _) )

((((((((((( ( JKR OWNS HARRY POTTER )))))))))_

( (((_(((_( ( ) ( _ ( _) ). ) )))_)))))_ ) ( )  
>(((((((((( ( KISHIMOTO OWNS NARUTO ) ))))))))<p>

( ( ( ( ((((((((((_ ( ) ( _ ) )))))))))))))))) ( ) ) )  
>( ( RORSCHACH'S BLOT CAME UP )<br>(( ( )( _WITH MR. BLACK _(_ ( )))

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concept from HIDAN'S GOD by CALYPSO-ANTONSEN  
>BOOM!<p>

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><p>"And just where do you think <span>you<span> are going, pray tell?"

The remaining conscious members of Akatsuki turned simultaneously towards the looming, shadowy figure of the one they called Jashin – who was currently carrying the unconscious Hidan on the top flat of his scythe like a caught fish. Each of them had their own individualistic reactions to this particular event, but all of them could be summarized as, '_oh, sweet buggering hell…._'. Deidara threw his reserve clay from his cloak at the specter at the same time as he prepared his bird construct in order to escape – however, in his haste, he detonated both at the same time, blowing himself and his sempai Sasori sufficiently far back to land in a most ungraceful manner. That manner could best be described as mimicry of the sort of puppetry display that Kankuro of Suna was rumored to be interested in behind close doors. Kakuzu, recovering quickly from his rage which was rapidly turning to fear, released his 'masks' in order to deal with the slowly-advancing creature but the blast-wave had caught two of his masks, reducing his total to three and further convincing him of the power that Jashin must have to cause such harm without even lifting a finger. Kisame and Itachi had quickly retreated to the nearest forest at a great speed, where Kisame suddenly took ill and fell from the trees. Itachi, raised as he was in Konoha (and still loyal to its ideals underneath his traitorous act) stopped and attempted to heal whatever long-distance attack had occurred. Unbeknownst to Itachi, Kisame was merely suffering an unfortunate onset of food poisoning brought about by low-quality sushi he had ingested on the way to the cave combined with stomach cramps.

Harry, looking out at the Akatsuki members as he announced his presence, was briefly surprised by being assaulted with what looked like mash potatoes. Utilizing a wandless Scourgify charm, he removed the offending material from his clothes just in time to see a giant, clay bird explode. '_I should have made that shield stronger…I must have hit my head on some of those flying rocks when the cave exploded._' Kakuzu, currently lying on the ground, was screaming something which sounded very much like 'don't kill me, I haven't diversified my portfolio enough yet!' and similar screams. He tensed up as Harry slowly approached, seemingly waiting for the killing blow to be struck. Uchiha Itachi, having somewhat stabilized his partner, made a decision which would have brought a smile to Hatake Kakashi's face and used Shunshin to place himself somewhat caddy-corner in front of the deathly 'deity'. Kneeling on one leg and supporting himself with his opposite hand, he began his entreaty for the life of Kisame,

'Jashin-dono, I understand that we have offended you with our actions on this plane. I request leniency for my partner Kisame whom you have chosen to debilitate.'

Harry was quickly going over his options as he muttered to himself about how 'he was like that once, protective of his friends and family going above and beyond any base requirement for love – though,' he almost silently remarked to himself, 'the old man almost ruined it all anyway'.

Itachi listened carefully, but he could only make out the barest remarks from the mysterious harbinger of doom, consisting of '..protective…family…beyond…requirement…old man…ruined it anyway'. Itachi's eyes widened as he considered that Jashin knew all about his part in the Uchiha Massacre, as well as the actions of Uchiha Madara against the rest of the clan. He decided, despite his willingness and utter determination to die, that he must survive so that his brother Sasuke would be both protected and later able to redeem the clan by killing him.

"Ancient One!...It is not in me to beg…but please spare our lives." Harry, well and totally confused, was more than happy to skip the fighting-part of their encounter as he hadn't had any sleep in the past few days and the combination of the Rinnegan and the Sharingan was a great concern to him (as well as whoever knew about the _Shiki Fuujin_). He thought it best to couch this acceptance in terms similar to those used by his 'sister' Henchgirl towards his 'brother/uncle' the Professor.

"Insignificant WORM! You dare take my ….," and here Harry took a deep, shuddering breath as he attempted to come up with something more appropriate than '_Potions' Monthly __Sexy Potioneer __Calendar_'. Itachi, as he had been told all his life, was a genius, so immediately jumped to the conclusion and without showing the least bit of humility or common sense, proceeded to fill in the blank provided by what he considered the extremely powerful supernatural being.

"Your position as movable – never! It only makes sense that after Hidan offended you so, you would demand an accounting of all those involved. I ask for the chance to placate you." At this point, Kisame had managed to stagger over to the two to listen to the 'negotiations', with Sasori and Deidara not far behind – Kakuzu's screaming even subsided as the mercenary core of the man-shinobi-thing took note of subtle machinations being constructed. Hidan remained insensate, or so the others would later claim in an attempt to block out their memories of his repeated semi-conscious requests for lube and his stuffed goat Mr. Tickles-in-Bad-Places. (Hidan would later be informed of this, but his response was too vulgar even for this fic to denote his negation of the previous statement as a result of severe head injury).

Four miles away, in the forest outside of the Akatsuki cave, Zetsu had deposited a weeping Konan next to an almost-dead Nagato. The drain put on the Pein bodies had ripped away so much chakra from the peace-obsessed dicator that even his Rinnegan eyes had faded to a normal black color. Konan attached herself quickly to Nagato's neck, crying out,

"Were we wrong? Why, Nagato…WHY!" Konan, burdened at this point with both the knowledge that the Gedo Mazo had been destroyed and was presumably useless and that some 'deity' had for all intents and purposes come out of the sky and called the love of her life a dick/poser, was understandably wracked with guilt and disbelief.

Nagato could only shake his head, confused beyond anything his life-experience had ever prepared him to encounter. He was, at least in the minds of his followers and himself, a 'God' that could do anything – yet, here he was with his plans in tatters and his power drained after only a few words given to him by what apparently was a real deity. What he would do now, how he would live; he couldn't even find a mental foundation for such an arduous task. His hands encircled Konan's waist, in what must have been the first human contact he'd experienced in decades, and gave the whispering reply,

"…I don't know".

This fragile moment for all three (including the ever-observant Zetsu, currently being ignored as was the usual state of things) was broken by the unexpected cry,

"WE'RE FUCKING GOING TO HAVE TO DO FUCKING **WHAT**?" as the Doppler effect proved itself yet again in the guise of the revived Hidan. If one listened carefully, the almost silent follow-up by the Jashinist priest of, "..oh, shit I just insulted my god!" could be heard on the wind.

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><p>Oh, Yes! Now what horrors will Harry unwittingly unleash on the Akatsuki members in their new<span> 'completely voluntary'<span> quest for 'redemption'? Also, overboard with the goat thing...? Went for the humor, don't know if I exceeded squick-levels or hit the shoot-milk-through-nose ring...


	4. Chapter 4: Inescapable Horror

As always, the idea came from calysto-antonsen, JKR owns HP, and Rorschach's Blot came up with the Mr. Black spin on things. Overkill and Chris Hill were great inspirations as always, and the basis for some of the detail-work on Mr. Black's ever-widening background.

The reviews have been spectacular! I was astounded by some of the ideas you guys came up with, and I may (with your future requested permission) use some of those ideas to my own twisted benefit! I should probably thank you all individually, as I thanked the first three who reviewed (OOPS!), so that will take a little time - but that will come later. For now, ON WITH THE SHOW!

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><p>The ancient being seemed to survey the Akatsuki members with a merciless glare, that at the same time rendered them both helpless and spellbound by its pure ferocity and evil. Surely no mortal alive could maintain such a glare without their very eyeballs exploding from fear.<p>

'_Oh crap, oh crap! What the hell? What does he mean, 'placate'? I just want to go back to my nap!'_ thought the purported deity. In point of fact, Harry – otherwise known as the infamous Mr. Black – had switched to his 'Dimensional Response Face #2 – Glare until everyone runs away', without reaching the desired outcome. It was at this point that Kakuzu, still rather concussed from the cave explosion…and the subsequent explosions…bluntly slurred out the question for him.

"Wha dou yaou men, 'placate'? I'n no gite maney up!", expounded the veteran mercenary. The only word which he had managed to pronounce properly with the newly apparent additional injury of a dislocated jaw, 'placate', was one which he had intimate relations with (and would have liked to in a less-than-metaphorical sense, given his love for money). Inversely, in this position he wanted as much distance from the word as a shinobi could get; as they say in Taki, "A fool and his money are easily parted – Kakuzu takes the money, and the fool ends up dead". Financial affairs in the Akatsuki organization were for that reason left up to Kakuzu, as anyone who got between him and ryo soon found themselves in the position of the proverbial fool. His partner Hidan, contrary to this, had come up with an alternative as soon as he began to regain consciousness.

"JASHIN-SAMA! I HAVE FAILED YOU! ACCEPT THE BEGINNING OF MY PAIN IN RETRIBUTION! BLUUUUTTT!...oh…fuck." cried the shinobi/priest as he rammed his scythe's blade straight through his spine – followed by the uncomfortable silence which always accompanies what Harry's old friend Ron would have surreptitiously called 'a really superb balls-up'. Of course, given Hidan's immortality, the violent stabbing he inflicted on himself did absolutely nothing other than make a stream of blood fly clear across from where he had been sleeping off his shock to Harry's face, right where he had finished his 'dramatic pace' towards Kakuzu. At that point, even Itachi's famous eyes took a brief moment to roll upwards and then gaze pityingly towards Hidan.

Harry, broken out of his panic by the spray, quietly said only, "…These were my favorite robes…". In all honesty, he couldn't believe it. He had just summoned amongst some of the worst dregs of shinobi society, almost was flash-fried, and now they were impaling themselves for fun. _'Well,'_ Harry thought, _'at least that gives me a moment to think of something I want…bugger….hmmm…Oh! These were my favorite robes, and this is a Naruto universe so there should be a Konoha – the tailor I got these at…'_ and at this point, Harry took a moment to begin screaming; he had, at least in his mind, finally realized how the shopkeepers tied in to this 'now-obvious' conspiracy. Using their precognition, the shopkeepers had planned his interaction with the Akatsuki, and forced Hidan to stab himself – THEREBY dirtying his clothing, and requiring him to visit them – presenting them with the opportunity to start him off on a set of MORE QUESTS!

"AAAAAAAGGGHGHGHGHHHH!" came forth the articulate scream of Mr. Black.

Hidan, having realized that he had sprayed his blood on the being he worshipped, was currently considering spending the rest of what he believed to be his short life attempting to actually collapse into himself in embarrassment by removing all of his organs at once. At the scream of rage, Hidan once more gave the entirety of Akatsuki blackmail material by not only fainting, but falling so that the staff-end of his scythe gouged itself into the ground, leaving him hanging from his scythe like a twisted piñata at an Addams Family party. Sasori, now holding up Deidara as he paled before the wrath of the being in front of him, was caught between admiring the aesthetic senses provided by the puppet-like hanging and having a panic-attack.

Itachi, who had been joined by the crawling and whimpering Kisame (who was still unknowingly being affected by the tainted sushi), bravely shuffled forward on his crouched legs and stated,

"My sincerest apologies for the idiocy of your dis- [and it was here that for the first time in recorded history, the genius Uchiha Itachi verbally stumbled mid-sentence], I mean to say – our comrade; but you see, we are sincere in our desire to make reparations to you!", to which the ever-dependable Kakuzu added,

"Sa len – (cra-ck) – So long as you don't ask me for the money back! I've got stock options to finance!"

Kisame, whose cries of agony and diarrhea had been ignored until this period of time, firmly countered Kakuzu despite the fact that he hadn't really heard or understood most of the conversation due to his illness;

"What – GLURGH! – the he, hell are you talking about, ugph – GLARGH! – you, you idiot! Why…why would a god want money, to pay off his divine laundry bill?"

Kakuzu suddenly looked at Kisame, who then looked questioningly at Itachi, who was already blatantly staring at him, before all three then turned to look at Deidara. The first act that Deidara had done towards the powerful being was to throw clay on his clothes; from Deidara, all five consciously-present Akatsuki members glanced towards Hidan, followed by their questioning look towards the dark god…perhaps, they collectively seemed to be thinking, they could just pay his dry-cleaning bill?

Harry, who had the entire time been glaring at Itachi and was rapidly approaching panic-levels again from the perceived ineffectiveness of his stare, was entirely focused on pulling a relevant piece of information from his brain on the Naruto universes that he could use as some sort of placative gesture which would make them all go away so he could leave in peace. _'ANBU is the…something…squad, Naruto likes ramen…or is it DANGO?'_; obviously at this point, all the information he had was not only subject to misremembrances due to mental stress – but also complete and total reorganization into something which had only the barest reference to the world at large. What he ended up muttering as he glare-panicked was,

"…Konohagakure no Sato…Hidden Leaf-nin…Tora…D-ranks,' followed by what he seemed to recall was the age of Chiyo-sama and her brother Ebizo-sama (who were Suna-nins), '100 each…'

Itachi's eyes widened beyond even what the Mangekyo Sharingan's effects did to his normal appearance, as he suddenly realized the full depth of the depravity of this being. There would be no bribes here – only pain unending. The Akatsuki-nin, though unfamiliar for the most part with Tora, were aware that D-rank missions were 'small' and 'easy', and breathed out a sigh of relief. Not so with Hidan and Kakuzu, for they truly understood what horror lay in the D-ranks of Konoha. Kakuzu had taken a secret S-rank pay assassination job contract on the Fire Daimyo's cat Tora – he didn't ask questions, and just assumed that an idiot willing to pay gets what he pays for. Even at that point, he would have preferred Jashin's fury to admitting his absolute failure to even catch the flighty animal. Hidan's problem, however, lay a little deeper than that. It had been assumed, by both casual observers and his own compatriots, that Hidan's love for Jashinism and death must stem from some childhood trauma. In fact, it began in the unlikely village of Yugakure, during its transition from hidden village to tourist village. Hidan had in fact been a newly-minted genin when he was first introduced to D-rank missions (as most nin are), but it had coincided with a sudden upswing in tourism that left every hotel in the village full – at the same time as the sewer system was undergoing major reconstruction. Hundreds of D-rank missions involving 'waste-disposal' and 'sewer de-clogging' piled up just as he began his career, which left him permanently scarred to the point of a phobia about the very mission rank.

When the village decided to switch to tourism completely, Hidan heard an entirely different message than the one given to his compatriots despite it being the same words – 'No more dangerous missions such as the C-rank border guarding, the B-rank escort jobs, and A-rank assassinations!'. To Hidan, this was filtered into his brain as, 'ALL D-RANKS, ALL THE TIME! SEWAGE FOR LIFE!', at which point he began to slaughter his fellow villagers and devote himself to a religion that he had barely begun to study in the hopes that he would be able to take only S-ranks and avoid the dreaded 'D' (not really comprehending that he could have just quit, or moved). Essentially, he went bat-shit insane…due to….yeah.

For this reason, Hidan's neck cracked upwards at a speed similar to that of the Beautiful Green Beast of Konoha, and his scream began even before he regained consciousness.

"!... WE'RE FUCKING GOING TO HAVE TO DO FUCKING **WHAT**?"

**Omake:**

The Village Hidden in the Leaves, often abbreviated to Hidden Leaf by both its allies and enemies, was not a place unaccustomed to oddity. In point of fact, it was considered by its neighbors and rivals as being at the least eccentric and more than likely entirely mad. The numerous doujutsu bloodlines, combined with the use of a civilian council (in what was normally considered a dictatorial system of government), for all practical purposes ruined the credibility of Hidden Leaf when it came to normalcy. However...the guards of Konoha were treated to a sight which even they, the lonesome ones who were forced daily to observe the "FLAMES OF YOUTH" genjutsu that followed the end of every Team 10 practice session, could not begin to comprehend; the entirety of Akatsuki walking at a civilan's pace behind what looked to be a teenager (or at least someone of that height, as they couldn't make out his face). What made the image the ultimate oddity and not an immediate threat was that the 'teenager' was consistently berating them for being foolish, while they each beat themselves in the head with a wooden plank

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><p>Well, this seems to be a promising start! We've only to let Pein, Konan, and Plant-man (as portrayed by Clark Kent) know that their suffering will soon begin, and start the trek...Back to the Konoha [village]!<p> 


	5. Chapter 5: The Ultimate Emotional 'Pein'

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((((((((||||||| Rorschach's Blot, for Mr. Black is Responsible!|||||||||||||)))))))

(((((((||||||||Hidan's God, from Calyspo-Antonsen came!|||||||)))))))))

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DISCLAIMER NO JUTSU!

AN: Apparently, FFnet is removing "" repeatedly from my upload for some reason; I'll fix it, but it might take time. Sorry!

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><p>As Hidan began to whimper at his literally 'god'-given fate, the rest of the Akatsuki members who had been relieved by the announcement were beginning to realize – based on the utter looks of horror and despair on the faces of no less than Uchiha Itachi, Kakuzu, and <span>Hidan<span> – that the punishments to follow would not be as much of a walk in the park as they previously thought. Hidan levered himself off of the scythe, falling onto the debris of the former cave strewn about the ground. As he crawled over to the feet of his 'Jashin-sama', he began his plaintive moan.

"Ohhh, no, Jashin-SAMA! **PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME DO IT**! I'll do anything – I'll make small children laugh, and give out free teddy bears to orphans – ANYTHING!"

It was safe to say that Hidan's deepest fears, having been awakened in such a manner, were now far more in control of him that he was. Deidara merely looked on, before turning to his artistic rival and saying,

"Sasori-sempai…I had D-ranks in Iwa, and they weren't exactly an art expo, but…isn't this a bit far?"

Sasori, not having any real experience with either D-ranks or emotional responses in general, could only shrug. Kakuzu, meanwhile, had begun contemplating exactly how much money this was going to set him back; he didn't calculate based on the Akatsuki, given that they had been about to disband (and he was going to steal that money anyway, so it was already figured into the calculations of his own finances). If each member did approximately 100 D-ranks per month for five years…and if he could steal all that money…they'd still be broke in comparison given the current bounties and contracts they already had 'in the wings'. At that point, he began to bawl like an unhappy infant and pound the ground with his fists and hands. That was apparently enough of an unforeseen moment that the rest of the group (including the previously panic-ridden Mr. Black) managed to reassert their respective senses of situational balance.

"Jashin-sama," Itachi interjected as he knelt, having apparently become the negotiator between the missing-nin and the ersatz primordial horror, "we accept your punishment of 100 D-ranks, to be performed within the bounds of the Hidden Leaf village…._could you skip the Tora bit?_", he ended with a whisper.

Harry, having been somewhat pleased that it was seemingly coming to the desired (and to him, unexpected) conclusion of 'I'm the top dog, now do what I say', was startled out of his self-congratulatory mental back-patting – leading to his rather tangential outburst of,

"Genin! Or no ice cream!", complete with waving arms that had been set alight by accidental magic.

Itachi, who was the only one to hear the complete words – or so he thought, in any case – was now thoroughly convinced he was fated to suffer throughout his life.

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><p><span>Konohagakure no Sato, Hyuuga Clan Residence<span>

"A'CHOO!", sneezed the Inuzuka-nin Kiba, who had come to visit his teammate Hinata.

"Hey, Neji! I guess some cute girl was talking about me, eh?"

"No, Kiba-san…Hyuuga merely do not stoop to sneezing for themselves in such a situation," said Neji, as he continued to drink his tea unhindered by olfactory dysfunction.

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><p>What Itachi heard 'Jashin-sama' say had been, quite contrary to the actual words,<p>

"**Genin** [which he inferred meant, you'll also take the rank of Genin as part of your suffering for lacking hatred – Itachi may have taken some paraphrasing liberties there] **! No eyes** [i.e., no doujutsu to be used during the 'suffering'] **, Team! **[referencing the typical three genin, one jounin team]

So, in addition to the perceived sentencing of D-ranks + Tora, they were now to be humiliated with a reduction in rank and to be assigned to the academy teams – not as teachers (though that would be bad enough), but as fellow team members.

Itachi quickly relayed all this to Deidara, Sasori, and Kisame – Kakuzu, Hidan, and Tobi having been respectively mentally incapacitated by the events of the day. Zetsu had been observing this display through his hidden white half, while his black half communicated the information to Nagato and Konan. Unlike the others, the three (well, two and one half) who weren't present for the sideshow of destruction were actually looking forward to doing the punishment. Nagato, having been thoroughly 'de-deified' in his own eyes, thought it might be a useful step towards finding his place in what was to him a totally different world. Konan wanted to experience the lighter side of the ninja lifestyle, having never partaken of anything but its darkest heart.

Zetsu's reaction was perhaps the most conflicted, if not the most negative. His 'brothers', having been under the cave when it exploded, were now diffused – not quite dead, but returned to the roots and dirt that they had once been part of. Their experiences in that form tempted him to drop his cloak and hit the ground running, literally. However, his more human side wanted to feel what it was to be a child of the leaf.

In the end, any choice was taken from the three; Mr. Black suddenly used his most powerful summoning spell and pulled them ten miles through the air to land at his feet. Harry, of course, would have attributed it to his 'advanced skill' or his 'preternatural sensing abilities' – in point of fact, he had begun randomly throwing out summoning spells out of a dazed and somewhat-disturbed feeling that shopkeepers must be nearby. Once he felt a 'tug on the line', he merely pulled in as powerfully as he could and prepared to give an unholy smackdown on the offending 'haberdasher/cartographist/who-the-hell-cares-die-die-die!'. Upon seeing the three Akatsuki members before him, he could only remark as he resheathed his scythe and released his overwhelming urge to destroy,

"Oh…it's only you".

Just prior to this unexpected turn of events, Konan had been getting a strange feeling while Nagato was being briefed by Zetsu on the 'punishments'. Every so often, a piece of her paper would suddenly shift towards the north-east. Having been manipulating her paper for many years, she could immediately tell that there was an outside force pulling on it, however small. As she looked at the paper, she noticed that the bottoms of their robes were also flowing in that direction, as was some of the dust on the floor. She took in a breath to shout out a warning, but it was far too late. The walls of the paper enclosure were ripped apart as the three abruptly burst into the sky, seeming for all the world like newly-reincarnated pelicans that had forgotten that humans don't have wings. Slowly, they began to tumble, having risen high into the sky. As they fell, Konan took the chance to latch onto Nagato and kiss him goodbye, at the same time as she grasped Zetsu's shoulders in a one-armed embrace. As all three were occupied by their unaccustomed expression of feelings, they did not notice that their descent was slowing – not enough to make the landing pleasant, but certainly enough to keep their bodies from instantly becoming tomato paste of the finely pureed variety.

Their unceremonious landing brought all of their gazes upon the most terrifying sight they had ever seen (given the context of having just had the mother of all ass-beatings handed to them and their compatriots without so much as a glare) – Jashin, his scythe held high in the air, face like fire and countenance most foul, preparing to send them directly to the worst of hells via evisceration. Which was rather confusingly halted mid-swing, as 'Jashin' put his scythe…sword?... back into its sheathe and – unbeknownst to 'Jashin' – delivered a most hearty blow to their self-esteem by stating,

"Oh,…it's only you".

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><p>It's been a while since the update, but I had no muse! I've got a lot of it now, just from writing this - you'll enjoy where I'll go, I think. I'm not even in the village yet!<p> 


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